Picture this: You glance at the clock and realise 40 minutes have passed since you first hit “Reply.” You’ve written and rewritten the same email, deleting sentences, swapping words, and agonising over how it might be received. You’re hoping to find that perfect phrasing—the magic combination that will guarantee the response you want.
But here’s the truth: no arrangement of words can fully control how someone perceives or reacts to your message. Their response is influenced by factors far beyond your control, like their mood, past experiences, or personal interpretation.
This is a hard pill to swallow, especially for high-achieving women who pride themselves on getting things just right. As a therapist who works with millennial “good girls,” I’ve seen this pattern play out time and time again. You pour hours into perfecting emails, texts, or even casual messages because you want to minimise the risk of conflict, disappointment, or misunderstanding.
While attention to detail can be a strength, when it becomes a way to control the uncontrollable, it can leave you drained and burned out. Even worse, when things don’t go as planned—when someone criticises you or misinterprets your intentions—you’re left spiralling, convinced you’ve failed.
Why We Do This: Control as Protection
For many women, perfectionism isn’t just a habit—it’s a survival strategy. Growing up, you may have learned that being “perfect” kept you safe from criticism or earned you the approval you craved. Over time, this perfectionist part took on the role of managing vulnerability by obsessing over details, hoping to avoid rejection or disappointment.
But here’s the catch: no matter how carefully you choose your words, you can’t guarantee how someone else will respond. People’s reactions are shaped by their own emotions, experiences, and filters.
This doesn’t mean you stop caring about clear communication or kindness—it simply means recognising when your drive for perfection is tipping into unhelpful territory.
How to Stop Trying to Control the Uncontrollable
Here are some strategies to help you let go of the illusion of control and focus on what truly matters:
1. Accept Uncertainty
Some things are simply out of your control, no matter how much you plan or perfect. What would it feel like to release the belief that you can anticipate every possible reaction? While it might feel scary at first, acceptance can also be freeing.
2. Set Boundaries Around “Perfecting”
Give yourself a time limit for tasks like editing emails. Ask yourself: Does this clearly express what I need to say in a respectful way? If the answer is yes, let it go and hit send.
3. Get Curious About Perfectionism
When you catch yourself spiralling, pause and ask: What am I afraid of here? Is it fear of being misunderstood or a desire to avoid conflict? Acknowledging these fears can help you step back and respond with more self-compassion.
4. Build Your Tolerance for Vulnerability
What if you channelled the energy you spend avoiding criticism into practising how to sit with discomfort when it arises? By developing resilience around rejection, criticism, or conflict, you’ll feel less compelled to over-manage every detail.
5. Embrace Self-Compassion
Mistakes and misunderstandings are a normal part of life—and they’re often how we grow. By showing yourself kindness instead of judgment, you can move through these moments with grace and curiosity.
Where Do You Go From Here?
Imagine redirecting all the time and energy you spend trying to perfect every interaction. Instead of obsessing over how others perceive you, you could focus on strengthening your ability to navigate criticism and vulnerability.
The truth is, you’re capable of handling discomfort—whether it’s a misstep at work or a negative reaction to an email. By practising self-compassion and learning to sit with the unknown, you can build a sense of inner stability that no amount of perfectionism could ever provide.
Real growth doesn’t happen when you avoid mistakes—it happens when you learn to navigate them with curiosity and care.